The sun was shining and the air was finally warm. So yesterday I asked the kids if they wanted to play baseball. They excitedly grabbed the equipment and headed out the front door. Not so much as a second pitch happened by the time one boy was angrily throwing a bat and another was lying on the ground in full blow temper tantrum. That same toddler kicked his brother–and then me- with his cleats on. We didn’t make it to second base. All the baseball stuff was put away and snotty cries ensued. Drakey (yes the same toddler) ran out of the house and grabbed his bike. I tried my cutesy voice, my threatening voice, and the last ditch effort of pretending I was walking away. He would not come. He just kept circling the cul de sac on his little bike with his head back laughing.
Just then a neighbor walked by and said, “Oh you have been jet setting to all these fabulous places lately!” Normally I am a “born cheerful” kind of girl. But I responded, “It’s probably not as glamourous as it seems.” I think I smiled, I hope I did, but honestly I am not sure.
And that’s the truth if I am real with you, my friends. In the past few months I have been blessed with a lot of sunshine and vacations, but this season hasn’t been one of my best. I have been alone. A lot.
My husband got a promotion. I am beyond proud of him for the well deserved recognition. No one deserves it more than him. But when he told me his travel schedule for the next month, I got in my car and cried. I am not grace under fire. We have been two ships passing in the night and frankly, I am not good at having three kids alone for long stretches. No one listens to me and I quickly become a version of mommy dearest (minus the wire hangers comments. ) The work life balance of my business, and the kids, and the chauffeuring, and the house, and all the other stuff in between, sometimes feels ridiculously off kilter. I pretty much suck at everything.
Someone let me down today. Not in a huge way, but in the icing on the cake kind of way that made me feel just beat down. I sat in an interview afterwards and my cheeks felt weighted down. I could barely smile–and I am the smiling type. (A girl threatened to beat me up in high school for smiling too much. We’re talking seriously smiling type.) I think I faked it enough that the candidate didn’t notice, but my co-worker saw the tears slip down my cheeks later. Not my best season.
I know my life is good and I am blessed, but I need to be authentic with you and tell you that my life is not all sunshine and palm trees like it may look on social media. There’s a reason they call if “fakebook”. I am just a normal person like you, who sometimes, is simply treading water to stay afloat. And there are days it’s takes effort to smile even for effortlessly smiley people.
My inner dialogue has been on repeat lately, “You suck. You suck. You suck.” But right now I am looking out at the water on the lake rippling in the breeze, shining in all its fake blue glory. My husband is on a plane home. I am taking deep breaths and trying to change my inner dialogue to, “You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.”
I hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, that the sun is shining down upon you, but more importantly that your inner sun is bright and that you know undoubtedly you are simply, enough.